Confidence and independence seem tangible the more you get to know me.
I radiate, capture and then,
dishearten with my absent dependency.
Almost unbearable to breath at times,
I need to hear myself.
I need to think for myself.
Savvy and aware and unexpecting.
Should the need or urge or random obligation arise…
Collect me as your equal.
Ignore the stupidly natural inception,
to struggle for connectedness
and instead,
accept me…
as your equal.
Matched, balanced and suitable.
(for my friend.)
You find happiness difficult
while opposing it is effortless.
You find conflict and grievance everywhere you decide to put your despair.
It manifests from a place
that you perceive unbearable.
You lose yourself in suffering and sadness
while ignoring the reality that most things are tolerable and quite nice.
You lose perspective when what you limit yourself to see is a wounded place in time and space.
while the question obsessively remains inside your heart and head… is this it ?….
You are special and deserve more.
How big must you become to overwhelm your instinct to self-consume and self-loathe?
A better way indeed is needed.
stop yourself… pause…now
breath.
Remind yourself that the likelihood that somewhere in some universe, you are living the life you now desperately want because somehow scientifically,cosmically, it’s your existance and you know it’s possible and you’re okay with living this life because your turn is next and you’ve been through too much and you deserve a fucking break… a sign… you’ll wait…. then wait for more. you like to wait. you enjoy waiting. you slightly dislike waiting. you don’t really like waiting. you want to punch things when you have to wait. you feel violent when you have to wait. waiting is the opposite of how someone would describe you. waiting is exactly what you do. the sign does not exist.the sign is like santa Claus. the sign is in your imagination. the sign is pretty tricky. the sign is exactly what you put your attention to. don’t you see?
This
concept
is
worth
a
brief
smile.
I wanted to believe and just feel for awhile.
I wanted to know that I was seen and actually heard.
I wanted to belong to the collective understanding of oneness.
I’m aware…
I’ve looked.
I’ve pursued.
I’ve turned over a great number of possibilities.
I wanted to be accepted for every representation of me.
This does not exist here.
There have been times when
I was ready to be seen
and heard and
connected
and accepted.
These moments were complete illusions.
I no longer want for anything.
Each moment is enough.
Out of the moment
desire can fade and be easily dismissed.
Some thoughts may linger
and assist in the forms of pleasure but
the impression of detachment
requires the will to let go.
Letting go can go one of two ways:
1. Surrendering to desire
2. Controlling surrender
These both capture desire
at its most vulnerable.
To surrender begs for mercy,
controlling surrender demands it.
Straddle both at once and see what happens.
I am.
It’s a comfortable detachment from desire that
also fulfills the need to be comforted, loved and understood.
Must I dismiss all connection
easily and without attachment to
spare my ego any potential loss?
Loss should not be defined as failing or
missing out.
It should be looked at as
potential knowledge and possibility.
If in knowing this one can let go…
Surrender and be.
Potential loss is potential hope
and where there is hope there is ultimate goodness.
Detach from all good things
and wait.
It had never occurred to me that
one perspective could be
that to assure a state
or procure or even attain
one must fail to keep,
be deprived of,
suffer and let pass,
to be sure one receives what it desires.
This makes sense.
Like a natural law.
I am puzzled by the idea that loss seems to suggest that something is ultimately not good.
Loss is balance.
As is acquiring.
Both require physical experience and spiritual attention and
experience and attention need a moment and
this seems to be it.
Acceptance is looming.
Can’t you feel it when you walk places?
Movement
is the constant
throughout my concept of time.
As moments become,
they too
are seamlessly replaced…
time appears.
If I were to agree to
abandon this campaign of pseudo mobility,
time disappears and
each moment is then considered
a birth.
1. RADIOHEAD – Bodysnachers
2. LATE OF PIER – Broken
2. FRIGHTENED RABBITS – Head Rolls Off
4. ARCHITECTURE IN HELSINKI- Heart It Races
5. THE HELIO SEQUENCE – Harmonica Song
6. DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE – I Will Possess Your Heart
7. THE GO FIND – Dictionary
8. MOTHER MOTHER – Wrecking Ball
9. BUKE AND GAS - Rum For You
10. PLANTS AND ANIMALS – Feedback In The Field
11. RADIOHEAD – Bangers and Mash
12. SLIM HARPO – I Got Love If You Want It
13. BILL WITHERS – Ain’t No Sunshine
14. JACK JOHNSON – Gone
15. THE STROKES – You Only Live Once
16. THROW ME THE STATUE – About To Walk
17. THE WALKMEN – Four Provinces
1. JUSTICE – Let there be Light
2. THE METERS – Just Kissed My Baby
3. DETROIT COBRAS – Out Of This World
4. THE GO TEAM – Huddle Formation
5. THROW ME THE STATUE – Yucatan Gold
6. GOLDFINGER – Carlita
7. THE HELIO SEQUENCE – Back To This
8. BEN FOLDS – Bitches Ain’t Shit
9. NINA SIMONE – Suzanne
10. THE PENGUINS – Hey Senorita
11. THE HIVES – Try It Again
12. MARITIME – No One Will Remember You Tonight
In the midst of ambivalence, skepticism and ultimately confusion, this movement or evolution towards dis-communication via too much information has liberated all those who choose to look past the inconsistencies and ignore the turpitude that has brought us to this point. The desire for freedom has turned so common place that nothing is revered and protection is a privilege. I’m afraid for all of us. Our uncertainty has stealthily shifted to a path of further suffering and potential extinction of old school human nature. Why are we all okay with that? A life of ignorance and consumption, addiction and disgrace. Planted by time. Committed to life expectancies. Why are we not against all that? More often I see self -gratifying gestures that claim to be entitlement which ends up being bullshit piling up and becoming artificial, insincere and tragically rotting moments in space and time. which we all share… and is completely unbelievable to witness the empty gratitude in which we neglectfully live our lives.
Momentless and impaired by the invasion of information.
Consider time to be the information…otherwise it’s pointless.
1. THE GO FIND – Dictionary
2. AMERICAN ANALOG SET – The Only One
3. FOALS – Olympic Airways
4. SUN KIL MOON – Lily&Parrots
5. THE YOUNG KNIVES – Turn Tail
6. PERISHERS – Trouble Sleeping
7.RADIOHEAD – Reckoner
8. IRON&WINE – Lovesong Of The Buzzard
9. MODEST MOUSE – Missed The Boat
10. THE EAGLES OF DEATH METAL – Solid Gold
A claim for solitude becomes a blackout and while my technology collects dust it is clear that the distance from common sense has become a sort of tolerable movement.
We are Stockholm-syndromed to electricity which holds us hostage armed with it’s charm and convenience.
This is what we fight for.
This is our legacy.
Power, jurisdiction, claim, dominance because we can, and have and will keep vigorously enforcing until everyone is in jail or we have all killed each other in a desperate attempt to not admit that there’s a better way.
Following morality ahead of greed and doing the right thing instead of being absent of virtue has become unpopular in our culture.
To enforce accountability now though, can’t turn off the nauseating craving and need to consume.
Vile is this modern society…
…and sick are we who pursue it with such disgrace.
The time to turn around is now. The time to wipe the gunk from your mind is now.
My dependency to this staged counterculture, instant everything,destructively bi-partisanly-partisan and essentially squandered experience has reached it’s limits.
I will stop the madness that is my consumption.
I will step across the border that is my bastard allegiance to technology and simplify.
I will figure out how to do this…
1. CHEESE PEOPLE – Ua-a-a!
2. TELEVISION ROOM – Coffee Houses
3. THE TIGER REPUBLIC – Buildings And Mountains
4. ROCKY VOTOLATO – White Daisy Passing
5. DEAD MEADOW – Between Me And the Ground
6. RICHARD SWIFT – Phone Coffins
7. THE TEENAGE PRAYERS – Good Voodoo
8. BENOIT PIOULARD – Hesperus
9. JOSE GONZALES – Crosses
10. THE ARCHERS OF LOAF – Backwash
1. THE HELIO SEQUENCE – Everyone Knows Everyone
2. MARITIME – Don’t Say You Don’t
3. NIKOLA SARCEVIC - Love Is Trouble
4. WHY? – Waterfalls
5. LES SAVY FAV – The Lowest Bitter
6. BROADCAST 2000 – Get Up & Go
7. FILM SCHOOL – Two Kinds
8. PORTUGAL THE MAN – Created
9. KAY KAY & HIS WEATHERED UNDERGROUND – Bowie The Desert Pea
10. LATE OF PIER – Broken
It’s time for something different, something reorganized and altered just enough to be considered amended.
Call it a new vision or redefined truth if that helps you make sense of it… either way, it’s different.
For a while you get to bathe in the newness of this shift and just be, until the glow begins to remind you of how you came to be this way.
You should be reminded of all the good things you wrecked to be so illegally perfected.
Can you call to mind the moment you decided your adaptation was a rational thought?
Is it possible there was a moment of regret if only for a fleeting fleck of time?
I consider all of this.
I think of you.
So many opportunities created by the attempted blows to ego.
Apparently change isn’t always a good thing for everyone involved.
It’s funny to see a clear confirmation of my suspected notion of you…
and I say thanks while the universe unfolds.
It’s time for something improved and leading-edge enough to be considered by me, the evolution of me.
I am unafraid as of late.
I have scrapped through awareness
and fumbled around acceptance
and have found myself comfortable.
Not complacently so,
Merely at leisure.
It’s a double gin and tonic, of- myself, agreeable advantage.
Unwind every apprehension.
I feel little compunction and maneuver more in the moment.
Enjoying this microscopic victory, I will not attach myself to it.
It’s history.
Happiness in only your perspective,
so decide to make happiness your own history.
Detach without dismissing.
Be and you will become.
This is for all of those people who loaf. Thank you.
solitude can be described as loneliness,
but only if you agree with being alone
it too can be referred to as a vast wilderness or even a withdrawal from
but only if you choose to pull out
i choose to feel it as peaceful
exactly alone
acurrately in the moment as it were
effortless and uncomplicated and absolute
poised amoung quietness
reassured by the hushed, welcomed silence
does anyone listen anymore?
i often find what i’m looking for in the stillness
which commonly is an understanding of something bigger than myself
this is a great day man….
1. DIRE STRAITS – Sultans of Swing
2. THE DOOBIE BROTHERS – Listen to the Music
3. MUNGO JERRY – Alright Alright Alright
4. TED NUGENT – Hey Baby
5. T-REX – Metal Guru
6. LYNARD SKYNARD – Double Trouble
7. THE ALLMAN BROTHERS – Ain’t Wastin’ No More Time
8. SPIRIT – I Got A Line On You
9. YES – Roundabout
10. BOSTON – Don’t Look Back
11. ROSSINGTON COLLINS BAND – Don’t Misunderstand Me
I am condemned to be free.
Independent from attachment and necessity.
Freedom is personal responsibility,
but often confused by moral obligations, duty or even a commitment to another person.
I choose to expect nothing except what is .
I decide that nothing has any importance unless I label it so.
My latitude is not solitary, and is only freedom when all are free.
Still, I am compelled to be accountable and
my consequence I hope is freedom.
1. THE HELIO SEQUENCE – Can’t Say No
2. MATT POND PA – Spring Provides
3. JIM NOIR – Look Around You
4. MARITIME – No One Will Remember You Tonight
5. BROADCAST 2000 – Everybody And Me
6. ELBOW – One Thing
7. KIND OF LIKE SPITTING – Dostoyevsky Gets Mugged….
8. GREAT LAKE SWIMMERS – I Will Never See The Sun
9. BISHOP ALLEN – The News From Your Bed
10. THE STILLS – Don’t talk Down
I’m no musician,
but wouldn’t the word ”jammin’” imply a freedom from limits?
Natural latitude of action and thought.
Freedom to roam and explore new ideas.
Space and flexibility to allow what is, to become what it should.
This also applies to life at large
To be nonlinear and plugged in effortlessly.
Naturally witnessing the place you are in at a specific moment
and creating something that has a scope which is infinite.
To my friends that possess the limitless dedication and inspiring knowledge of music.
Some days I think about where you are.
I will never know.
I will never know if you were happy and
I will never understand the immense pain you experienced and never complained about.
It’s been a whole year since I saw you.
I can still see your flared smile.
You are a reminder of the strength I have gained and the independence of mind I grew up with.
Somehow, you were always able to see my perspective even when it was toxic and it wasn’t agreeable.
Sometimes yours was toxic and unlikable.
I watched you give without expectation.
I watched you be without anticipation.
You were the art of loafing at it’s finest.
You loved vastly and rarely flaunted it.
But you loved.
We knew.
We know.
You should know that you are cosmically missed.
I find no use attempting to understand another human being. In fact I should probably live past a century just to claim that I don’t care.
So far my experiences have been mostly partisan. To say complicated due to misunderstanding my strength, resilience and predisposition for accountability as a game.
Even my sense of giving becomes a question.
Either insulted for being kind of or made to become a complete man made disaster.
Is there ever any give with that take or have we become so consumed by the past and future that we can no longer see things that is to say reality for what it is right now?
That is good.
All things appear to be organically good, so how can there be so much mistrust and polluted intentions?
Perspective becomes a player and so should common sense, ethics and as a last resort, Our Father in Heaven.
I retreat.
I walk away.
I learn my lesson and get better and better with time.
THIS WAS WRITTEN BECAUSE JANE ASKED ME TO.
Attention is the manufacturer of illusions and if one wants reality one ought to be detached.
Illusions create doubt, mistrust and desire of things which can not be claimed or labelled.
It does not cease to exist because it is desired, but it does change the essence for being desired.
Desiring anything is wasted time considering that reality is simply a balanced detachment from all things around us.
Of course there are afflictions we attach to that are less of a decision and more humanly predictable.
It’s inevitable that we attach to someone in a way that pain ceases to be pain and becomes something more desperate and necessary.
Detachment is not callous.
Detachment is the ability to see reality for exactly what it is and accept it for that reason.
FREEDOM.
The universe unfolds as it should, so why bother fighting it?
To disconnect is to allow all things to become effortless.
Any perspective based in detachment seems to me, to be nothing more than a good and healthy way to live.
Consider spending time doing nothing.
Oops…this is what I listened to today.
1. ROCKY VOTOLATO – Uppers Aren’t Necessary
2. NICCOKICK – Troubled
3. WHY? – These Few Presidents
4. THE SPINTO BAND- Summer Grof
5. JIM NOIR – Happy Day Today
6. OPERATOR PLEASE- Leave It Alone
7. THE DEADLY SYNDROME- Eucalyptus
8. THE MUTTERING RETREATS – Cupid Always Misses
9. TAPES&TAPES – Hang Them All
10. THE LOW MIFFS – Also Sparch Shareholder
I don’t try to be alone all the time,
I follow the moments.
Instinctively moving through space and time
into the gap.
The ultimate destination
marked by clarity of thought and loneliness.
Today’s the day some of us reflect and try to come to terms with our lives and decisions thus far.
It is also the day of intention and resolution.
For a moment we look into our own futures and attempt to make a commitment for the following year.
For me, the idea of a New Year’s resolution is thoughtful and filled with a kind of self-help positivity which is handy if dedication and willpower escape you.
Though it remains a curious holiday celebration considering that in Christianity it represents the circumcision of Jesus and before that when the day didn’t even exist until Caesar had the beginning of the calender year moved from March 1st to January 1st for administration and Senate purposes.
Whatever the history it’s a great reason or excuse to go out (or stay in) and get drunk.
At least that what it’s become.
Happy New Year friends.
On the realization of being aware of action.
The future is fixed because of actions.
or in some cases, non action.
Intention alone can not be taken seriously.
Our environment has a significant amount of intent.
Intent lacks action and the future needs action in order to be.
To be redundant is to remind ones self of a decision to be or has been made.
Therefore action is upon us.
Waiting no longer has meaning
unless that’s your fix.
unfinished
Yup, it’s Christmas day and all is well.
My family is amazing.
I worked today and was surprized to see so many merry customers come into the store.
This always leaves me feeling slightly ripped off.
Why does it always seem to take a catastrophe or Christ’s birthday to bring people together?
I’ll take it as it comes
and if this is the last day people see outside of themselves for a while then I’ll love every minute of it.
Merry Christmas
I’ve already decided that friendships are fickle.
At the risk of sounding “like a girl” and emotional I no longer have the eagerness to maneuver through some friendships.
Awkward and consistently misunderstood describes a friendship of mine.
I’ve been a good friend only to realize that my efforts have been mocked and shrugged off as if unimpressive and not needed anymore.
cool.
There should be break up conversations with friends. I believe that nothing ever should be a surprize.
I am however constantly surprized by this person’s need for my approval concerning many, many things only to again realize that I am not needed when I finally need them.
Why are you so difficult?
Am I that blind or just not that good at asking?
For me, the respect, passion and understanding I have for my friends is more important then a boy or a girl.
There will be no “penciling in”.
I generally try not to react so quickly but considering the time of year and the partial drunkenness I’m convinced that this needed to be said. (for me of course)
HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
At any given time there is a moment of clarity erupting.
I can feel it when I walk places.
It’s heightened energy seeping out into the universe so haphazardly that we end up living undirected and left for the Fates.
Nothing seems arbitrary, yet everything is bound by time.
I wait, regret, deny,choose, fear, remember, decide, enforce free will, I am drawn to things because I believe them to be true and pure and good. Time has become accustomed to these boundaries.
It makes everything tragic and complicated and creates decisions and obligations, it does not overlook common sense and morality, though it comes close.
These are the fundamentals in which time does not exist.
Take attention off of time.
There is no thing I can claim to perfectly understand.
Specifically those which are thought to not occur.
Who’s to say that my time-bound self hasn’t looked past the limits to find understanding?
The misunderstanding becomes obvious when I am able to witness the attachment that I myself and other people have to relationships and things.
The illusions I am capable of creating to make myself feel better by stroking my own ego starts to look sad and typical.
It is limitless the potential stories I can proficiently tell and the personalities I can become.
I can attach so surely that I begin to feel persuaded.
And I am obsessed.
I have been obsessed by the notion that what I think the future should be,
should be.
Some people spend most of their lives working to achieve their own ideal of what should be
and in doing let all else pass them by
A lot will be missed.
We allow the constraints of time to decide what we will do or say or even look like.
I am letting time become me.
I am subject to something that does not exists.
I will be timeless.
This is my final New Music playlist for at least a few playlists. This makes me sad but I was reminded recently that there’s good shit behind us too. Yeah, it’s okay to look back.
1. THE NATIONAL – Fake Empire
2. SONNY MOORE – Signals *
3. WOODEN STARS – Orphans
4. FRIGHTENED RABBITS -Keep Yourself Warm **
5. ARCHITECTURE IN HELSINKI – Hold Music
6. HER SPACE HOLIDAY – No More Good Ideas
7. WINTERSLEEP – Oblivion
8. BROMHEADS JACKET – Turn Me On
9. HEY ROSETTA! – New Goodbye
10. THE METROS _ Sexual Riot
*J.C. , Frightened Rabbits also help.
Some days I spend completely alone.
There are no phone calls, no new blog posts, no prime time television or amazing new music found.
There’s just me and my head.
Days like these can be offered in several funny ways.
Mine for example have a strange way of putting things in their place.
Perspective is almost always found.
Usually there are certain things that are allowed to be forgotten and put to rest,
while others are found and put to use.
There’s simplicity in time spent alone.
There’s no one to entertain or cater to, no one to consider, ask or feel obligated by.
I feel committed to myself.
Simply put, my devotion has only stretched so far…. far enough to notice that if I detach myself from any possible outcome or expectation then there are no regrets, no disappointments and
NO BAD DECISIONS.
for J.C…. you know dude. listen to sonny moore. his music is struggle.
The sun is shining but I’m not fooled.
It’s -40 plus wind chill.
I’m gonna go put on a sweater.
There’s a friend passed out and of course, snoring on my fucking couch.
That’s okay. He’s a cool cat.
I’m in the other room and I can hear him breathing.
There’s music playing and still, the above mentioned…
like I said…. it’s okay…. weird but strikingly comfortable.
He likes to talk , and by now I’m sure likes to always be right.
typical considering his sex. and by sex I mean I’d like to have sex.
But I won’t.
I will not.
It’s a distraction and agitation that interferes with everything I do.
Sex is mania.
It blinds and makes oblivious common sense and rationale.
It makes us absurd and senseless and conservative.
Yep. That’s the way it is.
Recognizing this is the beginning of a shift.
and by shift i mean head-space.
and by head-space i mean
awareness.
There was a time when I had that sparkle, that zest for life people sometimes talk about as if it’s real.
I did.
I was untroubled and perfectly disconnected.
Not so much so that I couldn’t connect but enough to call it a choice.
I make friends easily and try not to pretend most of the time.
People are dangerous.
It seems to me that being still is the best way to avoid the inevitable noise that is other people’s bullshit.
Relationships always get complicated.
ALWAYS.
So how does one avoid always when it means things like perpetual, forever, endlessly, incessantly, until hell freezes over.
Well the ordinary truth is I pray for the cows to come home hoping that’s the best there is.
It’s the most I can do considering the weighty re verb still attached to every archived friendship and relationship I’ve ever had.
I stay still.
I stay unattached.
But not so much as to not be able to attach but enough to call it a choice.
I stay rooted and wave less.
The downfall of this decision is that sometimes I get swept away with the drama and ‘comradery’ of people living their lives.
All the cute and disgusting stories my friends tell me and all those fractions of time we connect enough to “really know”.
By now I’m unstill.
I am mobile, flexible and have become accustomed to dealing with ambiguity.
Being connected to other people is too complicated to even think about making an attempt to connect.
The thought alone makes me gag and feel a little nauseous.
Maybe I should just stay still for a second. Catch my breath and stop gagging.
This is my reality, nausea, second guessing, g&wee and the solitary status.
By choice though so don’t commiserate.
I’m not certain whether the zest I once had has expired.
It’s there.
The scouts are out.
It’s a matter of time, non-attention and silence.
I’ve narrowed it down to myself.
I’ve eliminated all other possibilities and I see that only I make those decisions about myself, for myself.
So the journey has long since begun.
To stay the course and follow my instincts while being in the moment are my directions.
I know who I am.
I’ll be honest, sexual frustration has set in.
I know this because when it does I find drama and drama finds me.
I will not be that girl.
Dude… I’M NOT THAT FUCKING GIRL.
This is a perfect set. Track #,3,4,8&10 are for the boys @armsup.
1. HELLO SEAHORSE! – Won’y say Anything
2.WINTER GLOVES- Party People
3. OKKERVIL RIVER- Unless It Kicks
4. FILM SCHOOL- Lectric
5. EAGLES OF DEATH METAL- Prissy Prancin’
6. LIAM FINN – Better To Be
7. MOTHER MOTHER- Wreaking Ball
8. WOODPIGEON- Piano Pieces For Adult Beginners
9. THE VIEW – Five Rebecca’s
10. THE HELIO SEQUENCE- Back To This
I just finished listening to the new Eagles of Death Metal titled Heart On. It’s good and maybe it’s still relevant. It has it’s place in your music library.(between The Misfits and The Rolling Stones close to Sonic Youth and Slim Harpo) Rock and Roll with that blue twang mixed with macho vocals and obvious empty yet attractive lyrics. It compels me to get up and fucking shake it. Tracks like Wanna Be In LA and Prissy Prancin’ are good songs to dance freely to. This is their most diverse album to date in my opinion. Surprisingly Heart On has a couple mainstream radio friendly tracks which are good but completely unexpected.
Peace Love and Death Metal is grungier than Death By Sexy but DBS is fun and obviously sexy with tracks like Solid Gold (brilliant), Don’t Speak and I Want You So Hard, the record has substance and mobility. I can’t help but think that with their newest album Heart On an edge has been lost. Check out Winter Gloves and … oh yeah… Queens Of The Stone Age.
”Death Metal” is still good.
1. SAY HI-Northwestern Girls
2. BENOIT PIOULARD- Golden Grin
3. FIGURINES- Hey, Girl
4. ARCHITECTURE IN HELSINKI- Heart it Races
5. RUBY SUNS- Kenya Dig It?
6. THE HELIO SEQUENCE- Lately
7. OXFORD COLLAPSE- Pleas Visit Your National Parks
8. CARIBOU- Sandy
9. HOLY FUCK- Echo Sam
10. DR. DOG- The Old Days
It’s December first. There is limited snow, shaky balance and blurred direction. I’m not hopeless; just disorientated. I keep thinking about my tattoo and what it means or meant or should mean. BRIAN used to have substance and is only now used to remind me of all the things I wish I was. This is not sad. This is a tool to use to evoke all that I am and will be. For right now I’ll be content with the mediocrity and responsibility of adulthood with the idea that it will end temporarily. At some point I’ll be reminded that THIS IS IT and to BE IN IT and nothing else will mean anything. Except now of course.
Somehow this has become a diary entry and reeks of self loathing. Which it isn’t and I don’t. Funny what words can be.
I was walking home from work thrown together with hat and mitts and layers of coats and my ipod and I stopped in a park on the way and just sat there, on the bench covered with snow and ice. I sat there for about five minutes and found something that I ever only had as a fleeting second. Refined contentment. These are the words I would use to describe that moment… comfort, easy, fulfillment, effortless. I will sit on that bench daily without expectation for the next week.
1. had a birthday drink with a friend
2. SJ called me
3. sat on a bench
4. felt appreciated for doing my job
5. finished the 6th canto in the 3rd circle… wow.
After a random, albeit enlightening conversation with a friend about a decade younger than me yesterday, I made this playlist. (Part one of possibly two)
Perhaps this will shed some more insight about me and the 90’s. ENJOY.
1. MUDHONEY- Suck You Dry
2. FUGAZI- Long Division
3. SUGAR- Good Idea
4. SEBADOH- Flame
5. ARCHERS OF LOAF- Backwash
6. KING COBB STEELIE-One’s a Heifer
7. THE MISFITS-Scream
8. GUIDED BY VOICES-Kicker Of Elves
9. MERCURY REV- Carwash hair
10. SIX FINGER SATELITTE-Parlour Games
11. BJM- Vacuum Boots
12. L7- Pretend We’re Dead
13. THE LOWEST OF THE LOW- Eternal fatalist
14. THE MAGNETIC FIELDS-The Saddest Story Ever Told
15. GIRLS AGAINST BOYS- Kill The Sexplayer
16. SMASHING PUMPKINS- Mayonnaise
17. BAD RELIGION- A Walk
For those of you who know me…. thanks for checking in. I appreciate it. These days, today is reminding me of how I don’t want to be. I’m frustrated and annoyed and really just need to get laid. Which is not entirely accurate but it sounds good. I’m still not sleeping and I can’t seem to get organized. I keep loosing my keys and that’s enough to send anyone over the edge, so I’m prepared to make a shift to somewhere where I don’t want to cry if I’m asked another question. ( J…….. you rock.)
I’m ready to revise my head-space.
1. GLASVEGAS- Geraldine
2. HEY ROSETTA- Red Heart
3. KAY KAY & HIS WEATHERED UNDERGROUND- Night Of The Star Child’s Funk
4. MERZ- Lucky Adam
5. NICCOKICK- The Poet
6. SPARKADIA- Kiss Of Death
7. FRIGHTENED RABBITS- Heads Roll Off
8. PAPER RIVAL- Cassandra
9. TILLY&THE WALL- Jumbler
10. PORTUGAL.THE MAN-Hard times
11. FRIGHTENED RABBITS- Good Arms vs Bad Arms
12. SIGUR ROS- gobbledigook
13. OKKERVIL RIVER- Lost coastlines
i’m having that stretch of time when routine is wished for.
there are inherent qualities that typically go unnoticed.
recently it has been my attention that the ordinary day-to-day shit can sometimes agree with me.
i currently have no method to my madness….i literally go from moment to moment and it’s good, it’s what i’ve been going for.
but i still wonder about routine and if it’s greener than where i am.
(i’m guessing no?)
1. BISHOP ALLEN- Rain
2. NICKOLA SARCEVIC- Vila Rada
3. SEBADOH- Flame
4. THE PROMISE RING- Why Did We Ever Meet?
5. DAVID VANDERVELDE- Jacket
6. BRIAN JONESTOWN MASSACRE- Wasting Away
7. BILLY BRAGG- She’s Got A New Spell
8.THROW MR THE STATUE- Yucatan gold
9. COCONUT RECORDS- Back To You
10.WHITE RABBITS- The Plot
the perfect thing has no difficulties except that it refuses to be imperfect.
It reveals itself completely and has no disguise.
it has no fixed thoughts for or against and what it likes and dislikes has not yet been determined.
this idea has become the new counterculture again.we’ve gone from making a movement with meaning and substance to moving with what we’re told to and believing we’re still cool and individual as we do it.
by perfection, is it meant that everything is one, perfected together? or are we all stuck on the idea that perfection lies in the material things that surround us?
i think we have reached perfection when there is nothing wanting nothing more superb.
it’s a choice. a decision that you commit to.
there is no standardized version of what perfection is or should be, which leaves us with the notion that nothing is guaranteed and only we as true individuals can decide what our own perfection is.
this is a paraphrase…….
‘if we believe in nothing and nothing has any meaning and if we can affirm no values whatsoever then anything is possible and nothing has any importance. so then there is no good or evil and the killer is neither right nor wrong. we would be free to devote ourselves to whomever or whatever we want. evil and virtue are just mere chance and fate.’ (camus)
these words are attached to me. somehow i could never fully understand them, until i tried and each time i made the attempt the outcome was different. this time as i read The Rebel it has occurred to me that it all boils down to connection. if there is connection then there is meaning and camus’ philosophy is merely an opinion based on a lack of connection. perhaps the part i can agree with is that some things certainly are “mere chance and fate.”
sometimes it’s in the music. sometimes the music’s in it. either way there’s always music and always a moment that is, or could have been or should be or decided to become… there will always be another way for us to choose, always. how do you escape the idea that maybe we make decisions based on what we think we should decide? i try to make lists in my head. i make a list about my good decisions to see if anything bad came from them. then i make a list of bad decisions to see if anything good came from them. this task has made so many engaging ideas even more compelling. perception truly is everything. the result is…. no decision is either good or evil, it’s just the right decision in that moment.
i enjoy theses thoughts more now that i’m older. i can choose to remove myself from any familiar attachment to any of these sentiments and coast, completely unaffected. when i was younger these ideas sent me into the idea of panic attacks.
i talked to my Mom
i actually got some sleep (now i can’t again)
i got concert tickets in the mail
my sister called
i made a kick-ass ‘mixed tape again
so maybe the music always fits the scenery… the obvious remains. you see the obvious. who can’t? the problem is, that despite the connection, it is wrong. it is wrong. seriously. i need to keep it to myself. seriously. it is wrong. moving on. this is my drunk ramblings that seem to have a sort of signifigance , and absolutely do NOT. it’s okay to be human. even vulnerable. it’s okay to not know. in fact it’s the best way to be. in the moment. here we go ………………………
there’s a part of me that just will not give up on the idea that happiness can come without expectation. beat that. you can’t. why should happiness always come at a cost. it should not. music makes me happy. i’m inspired to be… i work through notes and words. i can make the music fit. i never understood the effects. i am drunk on gin and weed. i can make it make sense.
Life has become a continuous act of accommodating unresolved situations. This ends here. What begins again is what has always been. No more compromise. It’s about me. My universe is still unfolding as it should.
I try to mix cynicism with tolerance and even some cases acceptance.
This can be a powerful recipe if you know what you’re doing. I do not. Know what I’m doing most times. Take right now, what am I even trying to say?
My Dad used to tell me to “Give your head a shake” That always made me laugh. And I always shook my head.
That’s what I’m doing right now. Shaking and laughing and reminding myself that…….THIS IS IT.
I try to mix detachment with the motion and forwardness of of time.
Moving towards life. A series of endless choices and regretful consequences made memorable by either boredom or low self esteem. Or perhaps both despite their unusual partnership.
The reoccurring theme to life is to be in the moment.
This is not a bad idea to attach myself to.
I try to mix the need for individualism with the truth of counterculture.
Though we exist, is it believable to think that we are distinct from the next or moreover typical? Can we be defined by merely existing? Or are we defined by our thoughts and actions?
So then who defines our thoughts? We live the series of choices and in doing can we not then choose our own definitions of what things are and mean to us?
Subjectivity precedes definition.
I try to mix my inherited qualities with my assumptions about who I should be.
Through this delicious cocktail I have observed that for me, just being is a more fulfilling and inspiring way to be. Being life is the process of becoming and becoming is a good friend of happiness whom will probably introduce you if you’re just being.
I can come across pretentious but I’m too simple for that.
the end.
question. realization. detachment. being. question (orbit)
We push through. move on. grow out of. enter the next phase. We look for more. need more. expect more. Contentment is not a word that seems to hold any meaning. We settle. then unsettle. we never really settle. We hope for ease instead of well-being. We expect to not suffer yet hold a degree in it.
We hold onto things that push us away and push away things that hold onto us.
Hold onto something that will hold onto you.
During a moment after expectation had become irrelevant….. i saw hope. I witnessed the gap between all thoughts and limits on a day like the rest. No thoughts. Stillness. No wants or expectations or preconceived ideas of what should come. In the moment. I found the gap the same time I found a prime rib sandwich. It wasn’t overwhelming and I wasn’t blown away but I was in fact- in the gap. (Thank you) Looking back it’s heartwarming how completely in that moment I was. Looking back I am blown away. How is it even possible to be one way this moment and fully another way the next? It seems to me I like this instant delivery of our realizations is the more memorable way to conduct business. Not only does this restrict the overwhelming ache of anticipation of things to come but it teaches us to be direct and to go with the gut and completely be in the moment.
it snowed today.
i saved a house plant.
i expressed my frustration in a productive way.
i created the 3rd place.
i made an awesome “mixedtape”
I recently made a comment about a song I’d never heard of and listened to only once. The song is In Color by Jamey Johnson.( yes my friends… it’s country) Originally I said it was sad, but it’s not.
The truth is that it’s a very beautiful song.
I hope to claim his words if only once.
It’s amusing to me the responses about my last post. The men say yes and the women say no. What does that mean? Are girls dumb and in their heads? Or are men dumb and out of their heads?
Just a thought to ponder for the next 5 minutes and then I’ll move on to something that is straightforward and reasonable.
G&T time.
Can men and women be just friends?
That’s the question. It’s something I’ve never thought about until recently. I was never aware that there are boundaries. I always assumed that friends are friends no matter what their Facebook status was. Now I’m finding more often that the people I meet and actually like as human beings are either married or ‘in a relationship’.So good for them! So can men and women actually have a friendship without strings, sexual tension or even the worry that it may become complicated? I have many married friends. Some will get a Christmas card and some will not, but the reality is they are friends. I’ve started to look back at my behaviour and I couldn’t see the lines and now I’m beginning to. Part of me resents the idea that there are boundaries. I mean if your taken, cool. I’m not there for anything more than friendly banter and the hope that if I’m in trouble and I call they will be there. That’s what friends do right? So coming from a head space where being married is the FARTHEST thing from my mind and is not a part of my agenda. Nor is a relationship why do I feel like I’m doing something bad when I hang out with friends that are married? Having said that I do have single friends that someday I’d consider maybe dating but not until they either get a clue or have another birthday.
This sounds like I’m sad or desperate. I’m not. I value the friendships that I’ve made over the years and will continue to take care of them. I guess the theme of this then becomes more about avoidance than about friendship. (that’s kinda pathetic considering my 1st post was titled “the Benefit of Avoidance”) So I’m back at procrastination.
The answer is an obvious No.
So here it goes….
There isn’t much to say when you have lots to say and refuse, or are unwilling to verbalize your thoughts. The only thing to be said of this is…. well nothing. It’s called a feeling and it’s compellingly pathetic.(In my small opinion) There is something noble about having the strength to let it out (as they say) and discuss a said thing, situation or feeling. So having made the leap it is also true to nobility to suffer/accept the outcome rather than conjuring up some sort of twisted experience of the world and it’s fight against you prematurely. Sometimes keeping it to yourself is the wisest strategy. Sometimes the wisest strategy is to love the unknown.
So having titled my very first entry, “The Benefits of Avoidance”. Let’s consider a few things; One, avoiding something doesn’t make it non-existent. In fact the effort it takes to avoid it keeps it real. Two,consider whether it falls under 3 categories 1. Does it help? 2. Does it hurt? 3. Does it avoid? Think about this. If it helps someone or ourselves it should be brought to light. If it hurts someone or ourselves, perhaps it should be brought to light but only if it will benefit in the end. If you choose to avoid something, my experience is it simply comes down to ego. The ego overrides so many basic human interactions and lack thereof that it causes us to undermine our own true essence and the essence of those around us. Which in turn causes us to overlook or even UN-acknowledge so many simple and relevant moments along the way. What ever happened to consideration, generosity, involvement, inclusion, and helpful knowledge. These are fundamentals man!
In truth, my ego has me in an ebb and flow these days so until the moment comes when I can see beyond what it is to be me right at this very moment, nothing I say, do or type can ever have any substance. So until that time I conclude that there are so very few benefits to avoidance.
